Parenting in an Age of Abundance

Five things I've had to come to terms with

The first thing I should say is that I am very aware that this is not in every way, nor for everyone, an age of abundance. Housing is far from abundant, with prices and rents at record levels. Energy, though down from its peak, continues to be expensive. The combination of a cost of living crisis and record high taxation means many families struggle to afford the basics. We are very lucky that we are able to give our children everything they need, and many things they don’t as well.

But at the same time, it would be foolish not to recognise that, in many ways, this is an age of abundance.¹ The public health issue of our age is not starvation, but obesity.² We can listen to any music we wish to, at any time, with Spotify or Youtube, and any person with a subscription to Netflix, Disney+ or other streaming service has access to more high quality TV and films than we could have dreamed of a generation ago.³ ‘Fast fashion’⁴ and low-cost clothing from Tesco and Asda have transformed the clothing industry, and while some premium toys such as Lego remain expensive, plastic tat - particularly from charity shops - has never been easier to obtain. Other than the latest releases, books and computer games are also available at a fraction of the price they were in my childhood.⁵

What does this mean as a parent, in bringing up children? What values and habits should we seek to instil to help to thrive in this world? As someone who is naturally frugal and dislikes shopping, some elements of this come easily to me.⁶ But in other areas, I’ve found I’ve had to change my assumptions about what is right, or most helpful, in ways that haven’t always been easy.

Below are five areas where I’ve had to change my mind, complete with italicised caveats, against which I would still try to balance and keep in the frame.⁷

1. A compulsion to clear your plate is not an asset. I always have a feeling it is important to clear my plate, and not just because I like eating.⁸ It feels the natural thing to encourage. But in a world where increasing number of people are obese - and where restaurant portion sizes are too often enormous - this probably isn’t the healthiest instinct to instill. But being picky and fussy is still impolite, and waste is still bad, if now for financial and environmental reasons.

2. Whole sets can be overwhelming. More than once, one of ours has liked a book, a full series has been available at a very bargain price,⁹ and so we’ve got it - only to find the presence of the whole set overwhelming¹⁰, and the child in question not read further.¹¹ Or this also can apply if it’s a series we already have, due to owning ourselves as children. Not giving them all at once, and giving out 1-2 at a time, can sometimes work much better.

3. Completionism is a double-edged sword. When I was a child, there was just over 6 hours of Star Wars that existed in the known universe. Even if one got into the books¹², this was a very manageable thing to get into. Now there are over 350 hours, with more coming out every year: you could spend your life trying to complete all of it. And if you have Disney+ you don't even have to go out and buy it! The same is true for most other major franchises - and at every level - toys, Lego, books, etc - the marketing is far more integrated to try to hook you into always wanting the next thing. Learning to select and enjoy, while not feeling one most watch, read or get everything, seems ever more important. But completionism still is good when it comes to your homework, or a project, or finishing what you’ve started, so a ‘pick up and drop whenever’ attitude also isn’t great.

4. Gifts, though lovely, should not be allowed to dictate how you spend your time. We are fortunate enough that the children have often received many lovely gifts, from family and friends, at birthdays and Christmas. These are genuinely lovely, but equally I can remember times, particularly after larger birthday parties, when there have been so many different things and activities it was hard for them to know what do do with. While encouraging them to try different things, trying to insist one methodolically works through every activity, or to do something they have no interest in - just because it was a gift - is not actually a good use of anyone’s time. There are books to read, bikes to ride, friends to play with and all the other normal, wholesome, fun activities of childhood. This one works as an adult, too: I love getting books that I might not otherwise have picked out and read,¹³ but I’ve also learned to not feel guilty about not reading a weighty tome of non-fiction I’m given if that’s not something I want to read.¹⁴ Hobbits embraced mathoms, and we should too. But people giving gifts are still very generous, and should be thanked and showed full appreciation. And gifts can often be good ways of getting us to try something we wouldn’t so we should keep an open mind.

5. Work to create favourites. When we were young, we watched the same view videos over and over again because they were what we had. We watched repeats on TV, because it was what was on. That's how they became beloved. Children, at least our children, still often want to watch or listen to the same thing over and over, but as adults, with so much choice available, it can be tempting to always be pushing a new thing, not least because there are all these things we want to share from our childhoods. But relaxing into the favourites, rewatching films, having something you watch every Christmas, having favourite albums and playlists in the car, is probably better for deeper enjoyment. Though cultivating a balance between love of favourites and enthusiasm to try new things is still worthwhile.

I offer these without presumption that they are the best, or the only way to do things. I’ve come to them gradually, and often with difficulty - for in many ways I still believe that the values that lie behind completionism, or clearing one’s plate are the best and purest, and it is only the vagaries of the world that necessitates the added complexity.¹⁵ But they are things I have found helpful in my own parenting and, to the extent that they say something about our society, interesting to reflect upon, too.

1. I recommend the companion pieces, We Don’t Realise How Rich We Are and We Are Not As Rich as We Might Think on Jots and Scribbles.

2. In the 1950s, when governments and charities talked about malnutrition they were typically worried about families who couldn’t afford the basic calories to keep fed - not about whether they could afford healthy food. This is not to minimise the public health challenges of today, but to observe that they are genuinely different.

3. Over 2/3 of households in the UK have at least one streaming service - this is not an exclusive luxury that is ‘just for the rich’.

4. I recognise there are ethical concerns - but it remains widely used.

5. Most classic computer games from the ‘90s can be obtained free (if abandonware) or for a couple of pounds (if being maintained by the copyright holder). If one waits for a sale, one can typically obtain an A-list game from the 2015-2020 period for no more than £5, maximum £10.

6. I find it incredibly easy to resist accumulating tat.

7. Though I would argue that these caveats are also important!

8. Though I do like eating.

9. Oh for the Book People!

10. Unless the books were pretty easy.

11. Interestingly, Youngest seems less affected by this than Eldest.

12. Which, perhaps surprisingly, I didn’t.

13. A Thousand Ships, I’m looking at you.

14. Of course, I have always loved every gift that you have given me, dear reader.

15. Though was it not always thus?